This isn't a newsletter about hobbies...

- but that is a good question.

WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY HOBBIES is a newsletter I write whenever I’m not too busy drawing buildings. It helps me get out of my head, and I hope it will help you get out of yours (if you happen to find yourself there).

If you like my writing, feel free to share it with someone you think might also enjoy it. Thank you for being here, whoever you are.

My brother and I riding our hobby-horse.

This newsletter isn’t really going to be about hobbies, though the title might make you think otherwise. I’ll admit that choosing to name my newsletter with this highly specific question might be a bit of a distraction, but I’m pretty sold on my decision.

Not so long ago, a beloved mentor of mine asked me to give a lecture on architecture and care. I wasn’t totally sure what that meant, but she followed with some additional guidelines:

1. The lecture could be up to fifteen minutes long.

2. More importantly, the lecture could consist of only questions - no answers.

3. & to top it all off, at the end of the lecture, we would all simply sign off of Zoom: No comments, no critiques, and no additional questions were allowed.

Having spoken in front of many audiences for many years (tysm architecture school), I’ve grown quite accustomed to speaking only about certain things in very specific ways because I’d typically be held to a pretty high standard of knowing what the hell I’m talking about (or else be kindly asked to more or less shut the fuck up). To be invited then, to speak to an audience and only ask questions without knowing anything at all was surprisingly empowering. And knowing no one could say anything in response at the end of it all, was equally liberating. For maybe the first time ever, I asked myself: What would feel good to write about? Or - what could I sincerely ask out loud to help myself in some small way (that might also hopefully resonate with others)?

Over the past few months, I’d started to feel an increasing lack of purpose. I just wasn’t that happy (read: I was actually pretty unhappy) and I didn’t really know why. I had recently secured a job I really wanted after accomplishing many years of an education in architecture I felt really proud of - so, what gives? I decided to use the space of this lecture to try to figure some of it out. At first it felt selfish, but then I thought - that kind of feels like architecture and care, no?

Me : Feeling “not that happy”

The lecture I ended up writing was titled, “Why Don’t I Have Any Hobbies?”. Oddly enough, via the simple act of asking questions without answering them, I started to realize that my identity is a little too close to the thing that I love, and that the thing that I love is the thing that I get paid for, but when you get paid to do the thing that you love, you tend to love it a little less because it is at least 1% stressful when you do anything for money, and when you don’t have any time to do anything but the thing that you get paid for because you get paid to do it and you supposedly love it so much so who cares if it’s all that you do, you kind of need to find a new thing that you love - without all of the baggage.

I still don’t really have a hobby, but I know that I still really need one, and I also know that I love to write, and I love to visualize my writing. However, I also don’t wish to perpetuate the cycle of loving something and then doing it so much that it hurts to the point I end up kind of hating it, so I’m going to try to do this in a way that feels easy: 

I’m just going to write without knowing. I’m going to question, ponder, and wonder things like, “Why do I have so many screenshots saved on my phone?”, “Why can’t I get myself to floss every night?”, or “Why is it so hard for me to do anything in a chill way?”. 

I can’t promise to answer any of the above self-inquiries. In fact, I hope I don’t answer any of them at all - à la “only questions, no answers”. Instead, I hope I write often, I hope I write in a way that feels healing, and I hope parts of it might resonate with some of you (but it’s also ok if it doesn’t).

That’s all for now, 
M